Home for the Holidays
Another holiday spent in recovery and reminiscing about all those years of Christmas's spent miserable.
“It feels so great to have you with us for the holidays, Aaron.”
Those are words my father said to me a couple of days ago on Christmas Eve. On the surface, that sentence may not mean a whole lot. But dig a little deeper and it’s nothing short of miraculous that I am truly present for the holidays.
There were a lot of years that I was not around for any holiday. I spent several Christmas’s and birthdays in jail, and many more I was present in the flesh, but my spirit was far, far away in another world, caught in the grip of addiction. I can say now - looking back - that during those 10 to 15 years of active addiction, the holidays I spent in jail were far easier than the holidays I spent around my family. Let me explain.
Being in jail sucks. It is a miserable, lonely, boring, and chaotic place where bad adults go take timeouts because we can’t be trusted in the community. But being in there - as cold and loud as it could be - was more peaceful than when I was out, because in there I was sober and not driven by destructive urges.
Earlier today, an unpleasant memory popped up in my head and sent a shivering feeling through my body. It was Christmas, probably seven or eight years ago at least, but I was so sad at the time. The family was all together, and gifts were exchanged, but all I could think about was what gift I could sell to get money for dope. Even if I tried, I could not muster even a single ounce of happiness or contentment. I was sick, depressed, and obsessed with making my withdrawals go away. I had no money and no way of getting any, so I called up my drug dealer and asked if he would sell me something for some gift cards I had compiled. Gift cards that people had given me as presents. When he asked what stores they were to, I told him and he was not interested in the slightest, probably because they were to Meijer or Kohls or something. I don’t know if there is a more lonely or humiliating feeling in the world than having to beg someone to take some off-brand gift cards for a small amount of drugs.
There was another Christmas when I got a bunch of clothes as presents from my parents. I never even tried them on, because the next morning I was at Plato’s Closet selling them for cents-on-the-dollar. After you sell gifts your loved ones gave you for Christmas, the regret and remorse you feel deep down the next day or after you get your fix is unbearable. It only adds fuel to the self-hatred so ingrained in your soul.
If I am not careful, those memories can take me down a dark hole even today, even though I am coming up on four years sober in a few months. Dwelling on those thoughts can still drive me crazy, so instead of beating myself up over things from my past I have no control over, I use them as motivation. I never want to feel like that again, and I never want to put my family through those times again, either. So, I remind myself where I am at today, and it turns into gratitude.
Not everything comes easy today. There are a lot of tough days where hopelessness creeps in. But most days I don’t even think about using. It doesn’t consume my thoughts like it once did, and part of that is because my mind is conditioned to think about all of those dark times that using drugs brought me. There are no more thoughts of “I can get away with using just one time; nobody will know.” I have played out that situation a thousand times in real life, and every single time it ends with me either in the Ingham County Jail or holed up in some rehab in northern Michigan. In some ways, the behaviorist theorists were right. I was never rewarded for using; it was all punishment, and now my brain realizes it. I am grateful for that. Only focusing on the bad memories is depressing, however, and not enough to sustain long term recovery. That is why it is so important for me to cherish these times with my family and appreciate heartfelt moments when my family tells me they are grateful to have me around.
This year I was able to spend a lot of money on presents for my daughter. There are not many better feelings in life than watching my daughter open up gifts with excitement on Christmas morning. Some years my mom had to buy presents for me to give to her. I never realized giving to others felt so good - imagine that. I also watched a ton of sports, and the Lions even won on Christmas Eve (that’s a story for another time, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence we are both turning things around at the same time). I will try not to take all the credit.
In all seriousness, though, Christmas and New Years are special times. It is a time of hope for me. Thankfully, my years have been mostly filled with joy lately, and I can’t wait to see what 2024 has in store for me. My faith has grown stronger over the last couple years, and God has always taken care of me when I ask for his guidance. I hope everyone gets to the point someday where they can enjoy a holiday season with their family and not have to worry about using drugs or alcohol. Even if it feels hopeless, I promise you, if I can do it so can you! Please reach out if you are struggling. Send a text to 810-295-1194 for help finding treatment in Michigan.